Lucid dreams and untapped realities
A hunters orgasm chasing the artificial Hare.
In absentia provided the lure of the hunt.
A sacrilegious offering of forbidden Mare.

For as long I remember, endless and eternal.
The Rabbit's chase, divine Mare's embrace
Her beating heart inevitably dying away
Why just couldn't she have stayed?

If the fare is fair, then why does it hurt?
Over and over repeated in my head
Perpetuating the cycle and so life is
and always will be spinning out of control.

Endless and eternal
Like chasing rabbits
through a wild fire
Forever

The words that I would like to use if I could string them all together in one coherent mode of thought would be:

Inept
Maladaptive
Dysfunctional
Valueless
Fruitless
Contemptuous
Careless
Stupid fucking selfish moronic girl.

Yes, I would like all those words to be known.

Here's the story, my step-cousin, Denise landed herself in the hospital because she's fucking inept, and careless and decided to get drunk with her boyfriend who is dysfunctional, maladaptive, and an overall douchebag. As a result of her valueless decisions and own moronic ineptitude she drank far too much and got into a large moronic fight with her douchebag bf and got beat up. Thus, my only grandfather and her grandmother (my grandfathers common-law-sorta-cow-of-a-girlfriend) had to spend hours at a hospital with her completely stressed out beyond what any 81 year old should have to encounter. In the haste of all that was happening, he did not eat, nor sleep the night of this incident proceeded to go home without food again didn't sleep and return to the hospital to pick up the inept, valueless, careless, stupid fucking selfish moronic girl. While at the hospital, having not eaten, decided to have an ulcer rupture in his esophagus thereby causing him to bleed all over the floor and fall, fainting, flat onto his nose.

Luckily, He was at a hospital the ulcer was identified before he bled out and they were able to cauterize and staple it. So my lovely, wonderful, step-cousin in her own stupid, idiot, selfishness which she was warned about once before. Fucked herself over with the same contemptuous bastard boyfriend and ended up putting far too much stress on my poor old grandfather and her poor (cow) of grandmother for their age.

This resulted in my grandfather being hospitalised for 2 days. Thankfully he is alright. However, I am downright livid and am about ready to go roll some heads. I am not even joking, I was halfway into my car when I remember that If I turned the ignition and drove off the pad I could lose my license permanently. Thankfully, some of us in this family have some theory of mind and common sense.


Only that this adds strain on my as I now have to go look after my grandfather without a vehicle in addition to studying for midterms, writing lab reports, and taking care of parents animals.

-- le-sigh

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everythings nothing without you
I'll wait here forever just to, to see you smile
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

Through it all, I made my mistakes
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'cause I'd bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

Thoughts read unspoken, forever in doubt
Pieces of memories fall to the ground
I know what I didn't have so, I won't let this go
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you

All the streets where I walked alone, with nowhere to go
I've come to an end

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'cause I'd bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies
When you don't know what you're looking to find
In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies
When you just never know what you will find (what you will find)

I don't want this moment to ever end
Where everythings nothing without you

I want you to know
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'cause I'd bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go (I want you to know)
With everything I won't let this go, these words are my heart and soul
I'll hold on to this moment you know, 'cause I'd bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go

I have some things on my chest that need to just be vented. So here goes...


Firstly, "I'm sick of summer and this waiting around..." Okay no that's not really it. "Gotta get back to Hogwarts where everyone knows I'm cool" Nope. That's not it either.

Okay, really though. I have been trying to get back to school my school!! The wonderful University of Calgary which has been really difficult lately. Several reasons which really are causing me a lot of stress and anger and despite being 3 years into my degree I'm entirely tempted to say "Fuck it all and quit."

1. First of all, last year the school took away the option of being able to pay tuition via credit card. Okay so how the hell do they expect students with no money to just front that kind of money without a credit card, seriously are they bloody insane? This has not changed, nor will it be changed for a while apparently much to the displeasure of the entire student body.

2. I am in a degree stream that has certain 300 level psychology courses that I "have" to take in order to be granted by desired specification on my degree. However, those courses are restricted by the Psychology Department to Psychology majors only until July 20. Okay fine I could live with this, but then I found out they added an exception this year to allow Neuroscience majors be exempt from the restriction (First of all, where was this degree three years ago when I wanted it. Second of all, that is practically what I am doing through a slightly different route, because they didn't have the degree at the time) Okay, So I could handle the fact that the courses are restricted until July 20th and that I would have to wait until they included neuroscience majors which means more students contending for the limited seats available. Then to top it all off I go explain my situation to the dean of Psychology, after finding out from a friend that he got special permission to get into the classes he needed only to find out that there was no way possible the psychology department could make any exceptions for me (even after they did for a friend). Man was I pissed off.

--> Add insult to injury why don't you assholes. I went to school the week before that to fill out papers for my scholarship money only to find out they could not consider me a fourth year until I registered in all 10 classes for the year unfortunately I'm still 3 short of that because of those damn psychology restrictions which I NEEED to graduate. I also need the 10 courses to get my money before Aug 1. So, after waiting in line for 2.5 hours to find that out. I go back a week later and wait in line for another 2 hours to talk to a councilor only for them to say we can't help you, you have to goto the Psych Department themselves. So i waste another hour talking to them to find out they can't do anything for me until July 20. Okay. so now my brain is racing with a thousand curses and insults and I'm right pissed off.

For instance, like does is not matter that I am paying for my education just as much money as each individual psychology major? That I spend close to 10 grand a year to goto school and get a quality education only for them to tell me well.. no you can't do this, you can't do that, no no no. Wait until we say it's okay. FUCK YOU NAZI BASTARDS.

3. I find out that my own faculty, Kinesiology that I have always revered and thought to be the best faculty to be in out of any because of the work it does for its students. At least I always felt that our faculty went out of its way to protect its own, kind of like Kinesiology faculty and students stick together forever has gone and implemented restrictions on CSEP prerequisite courses to Exercise Health Physiology majors only until July 6. I'm a Mind Science major.. yet, I want to work in occupational therapy with kids who have cognitive-motor disabilities, so naturally CSEP protocol and certification are going to be an extreme asset to have even though it means an extra year of coursework and than a big certification exam. It is well worth the 900 dollars that I would be paying for another tiny piece of paper. Daaaaamn, professionalism is expensive. Of course, they have to go and make it impossible to do anything about that. Even more bridge burning is the fact that the courses are the smallest courses of any in the entire school and because space is so limited that all the classes are full already even once the restrictions are lifted. This also cuts down the number of Kinesiology level senior options to very few, as half our professors aren't teaching this year because of the Olympics. They are all off with athletes doing research/training/interventionary clinical procedures and testing on the olympians thus even more options are cut down.

Okay so now steam is coming out of my ears... and I'm completely pissed off and ready to go murder the President of UCalgary. Is it really any wonder why it has the worst students rating out of all the Universities in Canada? I mean, Christ, even U of A has a top 10 student lifestyle rating!! Not to mention that McLeans consistently ranks U of C like in the bottom of educational standards so it's not exactly like they make up for their shitty student service by having superior education. In fact, the only good thing about u of c is the groundbreaking research that goes on, God, if i wasn't interested in some of that pie myself I would be out of there faster than you could say Quidditch.

That's not all, oh no I'm not done.
Pigfarts, Pigfarts!!

This school drama, on top of a bunch of other things that have been going on in my life just keeps making me sooo angry. I've spent the last month of my summer irritated and pissed off at everything from Work, my sister, friends, and dad, to worst of all myself... the list just goes on and and on and now because of all that stress and anger I'm getting run down and and sick and I of course can't sleep in the summer heat so..


Uggh.

"Where are you now? As I'm swimming through the stereo, I'm writing you a symphony of sound. Where are you now? As I rearrange the songs again this mix-tape could burn a hole in anyone but it was you I was thinking of.. it was you I was thinking of"

--

There were words that went amiss
Words that could never explain;
Feelings, emotions, the madness within
when you walked away, left unsaid.

There were words of colour, words of hate.
There were words upon words that I just ate.
I held it in, left unsaid.
Left unsaid.

I forgave, I forgot, I never said I do not.
I never said
and that's the problem,
Left Unsaid.

I gave up, I quit trying
I said I would rather die.
So I held it all in, imploded from within,
left unsaid, left unsaid.

I left it all behind
And moved on inside.
Left my voice off to the side.
and left it unsaid.

I never said, I forgive you.
I never said, I'm sorry.
I never said, I tried.
Left it unsaid.

And now I will never say,
Goodbye.
I left it unsaid.

Chapter 1

Arman was brought into the council chambers with chains attached to his arms and legs by the death hunters. The covenants elite task force of vampires whose responsibility it was to ensure security of the council members. Cassius looked around the room and sensed the disquiet trembling through it. He had heard many of the whispers over the last few months. None of which were at all unsurprising he realized that his conservative policies had not won him any favors with the much newer members of the Covenant. The members were growing younger day by day it seemed. He had his reasons of course, there was a time for everything and it was fast approaching, however, he could not act, not just yet. He knew that this decision would indubitably cause mutiny and his usurping from the high council. This however was the least of his concerns for he had a rare gift among Vampires. The gift of foresight something very few had ever harnessed, and why should they with quickness unrivaled by any species there was never a need for it. However, Cassius’s ability was that which made him strongest of his kin. It was this gift that aided him in becoming the head of the high council and was the reason that he was the eldest of his kind left. If there was one thing that Arman was correct about it was that Cassius was still very much old school because he had been raised in an age where the race was always at war with external foes, man, the wolves, and other covenants. However, times had changed and the new age was upon them and Cassius knew it, more than anyone of his kind could possibly imagine. It was for this reason that he was holding Arman responsible it was for this reason that arman must be tried for treason against the covenant.

The accused, One, Arman Moldova of Brockeshyre estate stands before this council to be judged for crimes committed against the covenant. My son, you stand accused of the following charges: conspiracy to commit high treason, betrayal of the secrecy of the covenant, and failure to follow the council’s policies for hunting. You have endangered this species, and put our covenant at great risk. What say you?

Arman looked up loathingly into the somber eyes of Cassius and thought to his self ‘you’ve gone soft old man’ and then hearing the hiss of whispers going around the council chambers behind Cassius's back Arman stepped forward, his hands held out in a jovial un-threatening manner. These words, I say in address to the council members who would rather whisper than take a stand. I say them in response to your worst fears. You all share knowingly behind our fearless leaders back in part the betrayal and mutiny I am charged with. You know and believe as I do that he is too old to carry out the needs as the leader of this covenant, that he airs on the side of caution and his conservative attitudes towards the humans is the only danger we face. The time for shared whispers is over. You all stand around plotting treason and scathingly insulting our leader’s conservative policies without the guts to do anything about it. I stand before you today and plead guilty to these charges. If I am guilty for suggesting that it is time for change that the old ways of the covenant are no longer relevant than so be it. The new world has made them obsolete. We Vampires were once feared by the masses and what have we become under this rule? Nothing more than a shadow limited to hunt only in certain zones designated by our fearless leader’s choosing. We are no longer facing the danger that we once were. The statue for secrecy has served it’s purpose and rendered it self extinct. It is time my friends for fresh blood, new life, and a new council. If I am guilty of anything it is for wanting to revive and save our great species from dying of hunger. I STAND UP FOR THE NEW COVENANT AND ITS NEEDS. WHAT DO YOU STAND FOR WITH YOUR COWARDLY WHISPERS AND SCATHING GOSSIP? YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO HOLD ME IN CONTEMPT AGAINST THE COUNCIL? I ASK, WHAT SAY YOU, RONAN? VITTORIA? ERIK VIKTOR MEDUSSA? WHAT SAY YOU?
BECAUSE I SAY THAT THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS BETRAYED THE COVENANT IS CASSIUS. With these final words Arman sat on the chair and gestured with his arms not to Cassius but to the rest of the council members as the chamber fell completely silent.
A sudden torrent of shouting and berating broke the quiet amongst the Chare members of the council of the elders, as if it were a tidal wave of mutiny threatening to bring down Cassius from within. Isaiah had been dreading this moment for the past century. It saddened him to see the shaping of the political landscape of the so-called ‘new covenant’. There was a large uprising from the younger members of the council, and apparently Cassius had underestimated the youth of this one. Nevertheless, he carried on with the trial. When Cassius spoke again it was calm and unflinchingly even “the council has heard the charges and has heard from the accused it will now deliberate. All in favor of conviction say I? There was a pause as few of the older and more loyal elders murmured I. And all opposed to conviction? There was a much larger torrent of voices, to which Cassius nodded his assent. The council has spoken it appears you have a very large fan base Mr. Moldova and without so much as another word Cassius swept out of the chamber room.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS HE PLAYING AT? Arman shouted at the closing door.

Cassius swept up to the tower of the East Wing to his private study and locked himself in. He stopped abruptly facing the mirror in the corner of the room and started at where his reflection should have been staring back at him but all that reflected in the mirror was the dusty outline of the bookshelves lining the walls behind him. Cassius knew his time, as the high council member of the elders was growing thin. The other elders would never question or doubt Cassius’s leadership for that he knew. However, the decision to release Arman meant that the backdoor politics and the unsettling rumors that he was unfit to hold the council would only continue and get worse. The deliberation tonight had shown Cassius that Arman had rallied far more support within the covenant than he thought possible but with the growth of youth elected to the council and the new ideals of the century spurred on by Arman’s charismatic speaking skills he should have seen it coming. Cassius didn’t stand a chance of winning a political war against Arman and Arman would be sure to want him gone after Cassius’s order to try him as a traitor. He would have to unite those who were loyal by doing what he did best, acting on his foresight. He knew that what he was doing was right. He knew that for things to come off without incident or provocation he had to retain a level of secrecy that he regretted. Keeping certain facts and ideas from the council was not what he had intended, he had hoped at least to be able to have more to go on and present to the other elders before passing the information he stumbled across to them. However, in order to survive in this world secrecy sometimes was a necessary weapon. He now alone was the only one that held the key to the future of Vampires. He alone would have to act and recall some friends who had scattered to other countries and with their help and those inside the covenant still loyal was the only hope the species had for survival. He was reminded of his mortal father, ‘and what do we do son if we find our self in a situation where there is no way out?’ and Cassius looked at his father innocently and with an air of ignorance of those who were pure at heart and said ‘but surely father there is always a way out?’ His dad chortled and said: ‘but sometimes son one will find himself in a situation where there is no solution, there is no exit, no escape, nothing at all. It is in that moment that a man must face his worst fears that he must realize there is only one answer’ Cassius listened to his mortal father speak entranced by his words ‘and what is that solution father’ he had asked. The solution my son is that he must find a way deeper in. When faced with no way out, you have only to go to the heart of the problem and dig your way in to it and only then can man face what he fears. The vision of that moment flashed past Cassius’s eyes. That was so very long ago but he had not forgotten that advice.

"till now I always got by on my own,
I never really cared until I met you.
Alone." -- Anne Wilson of Heart

Alone,
is where i long to be.
Alone,
I hate the feeling
Alone.

The damage was done so long ago.
The wounds repaired,
Until that unfaithful bullet broke blood twice over.
Stitches disrepair.

Alone.
This is me, destined to be,
Alone.
Trapped in this unremitting universe
Alone.

Headed to the breakdown,
Vodka is my meltdown.
Quench this thirst for a shadow of hurt.
Hiding from the other face of two faces.

Alone.
My own worst enemy.
Alone.
Two disembodied
Alone.

Word of the day: Surreptitious - marked by stealth, stealthy, with stealth, acting in secrecy.
Love the way it rolls off the tongue.


Anyhow, here we are again another school year has flown past and I am one step closer to having 3 tiny letters behind my name that should have some meaning. The question that remains to be seen now is whether or not I'll actually put them to any use. I am becoming increasingly uncertain about that fact. Moreover, the longer I go the more i realize I still haven't got a clue what I am going to do with life. Just when I think I have it, the self-doubt, uncertainty and questions begin to creep in. This makes me rather depressed lately; I still sometimes feel as if no matter how hard I try, how much effort, despite top marks, that I am good enough to pursue anything further than just undergraduate level. I must admit, I love research and working with people. The thing is, I also love comfortability and safety. The further I go, the more extroverted I become the more introverted my affect relishes to the point where I am scared that I just will not be able to relate emotionally to anyone any longer. It's hard to explain, seems counter intuitive that someone extroverted would be so emotionally introverted. Yet, the more I continue to feel like very few if anyone can really understand the things that plague my mind. I love attention and friendship, but I find comfort in solitude and revert inwards when things get tough or stressful. I am becoming increasingly burdened with my lack of compassion for people who are lazy, who abuse their gifts, who don't put forth any effort, who act out of insane stupidity when they are not that stupid, that I just want to walk up and punch them in the face. I feel so hollow inside, uneven.

"Sooner or later a man who wears two faces forgets which one is real!"
-- Signed
The Reckoner

I wish i were but a little stronger.
I wish I were but a little taller.
I wish my eyes were but a little better.
I beg for even a little longer.

But if I were a little stronger, taller, better, and had longer.
I would not be me, not the slightest,
not even close, no not I, would I be,
not even close to me.

I wouldn't be.

... there's a moral to this story, and I will get to it when I realize what it is...

Give me a reason not to keep sleeping
When I'm awake I feel like I am dreaming
The world is shrinking, every street's the same thing
I can reach so far but there are people disappearing.

How can I pretend to know my own mind?
The more questions I ask, the more I find.
I'm lost at home, out of time
The coins I flip land on their side

I'm holding my breath at your end of town
I'm just passing by, not for the first time.
If I could rest my head just for a moment
Then I think that I would be fine.

Slowly sinking, still thinking
There must be something I am missing.
The streetlight, my sunlight
I won't sleep, I'm up all night.

Can't stop till I have been used up
If I was not lost for words
then I'd have nothing to describe

These walls all seem like they're shrinking
How am I fine, when I can't tell what I'm thinking.
The doctor says it's all in my mind.
But I am afraid of the darkness I might find.

So take on a side, look for a sign
I'm shaking outside, and breaking design.
I'm holding it tight.
Praying I'm right.
(Key change - 1/2 step)
I'm holding my breath at your end of town
I'm just passing by, not for the first time
If I could rest my head just for a moment
then I think that I would be fine.

Slowly sinking, still thinking
There must be something I am missing
The streetlight, my sunlight
I won't sleep I'm up all night.

Can't stop till i have been used up
If I was not lost for words
then I'd have nothing to describe

I'm holding my breath at your end of town
I'm just passing by... Not for the first time
If I could rest my head just for a moment
Then I think... I would be just fine.

Repeat 2x to fade out.

Black Smoke, Rise UP
In the dead of winter, furnace roar.
A crackling of a fire softly burns
The Fresh Smell of New, arising out of old.
Now tell me Blackbird, as you rise UP
Tell me what you have done tonight.
What have you done?
Destruction and Creation
The ashes-reincarnation.

Just this once, For Once.
I'm not drunk and I'm not sad.
There is nothing inside that I want back.
But I just gotta ask
Do you wonder?
How I am tonight?
Don't go looking for solace in my eyes.
Because not every tear means you're going to cry.

So let the smoke rise up, rise UP.
From the depths below
There was nothing but dust
and the layers are finally healing, let go.

Let the smoke rise UP
Coming from the big black deep
Can you hear the Blackbird singing her song.
Singing along to the waking of winter's sleeping tongue.

The old desires are bored. New ones are born.
Times for change as the Skies are opening
The black pool is washing away
Where old thoughts break off exploding into space.
Time passing by at it's rapid pace.
And then dancing off into the distance.
Hell-Bent and dignified, Always head-strong.
She was never wrong.

From the ashes of the heat
comes an army of one
Marching back up the steps
Mounting the horse one more time
Wth pale faces and hollow eyes.
Not every smile means
That I'm not empty inside.
Laughing, Laughing, Laughing

Black Smoke Rise UP
Rise UP, Rise UP
From the depths below
There was nothing but dust.
And now I'm watching you go.

Black Smoke Rise UP
coming from the deep
Can you hear the Blackbird singing along.
This after all was her song.

Ray of Shine burn on
Bottom of my heart has one.
New desires burn
Sining ballads in the sun.
To the Blackbird Rising up
The Battle is won.

Dorothy eventually returned home to Kansas to find that everything was back to normal aside from her new found knowledge. Beauty got her Beast and he turned back into her handsome prince just in the nick of time. Sleeping Beauty was finally awoken by her prince's kiss meanwhile Cinderella finally received a prince of her own. If life were like that... way to go Visa. What I am saying is, life most certainly is not like that and it never will be. Fairy tales teach us from the ripe age we begin watching them to be wary of the harsh realities of life. They ingrain into our subconscious the realisms we face as growing children; divorce, evil step (grand) parents, thieves, rise of hard working middle class men fighting against corrupt bureaucracies. The many things we deal with in our real lives, however, they also teach us something more valuable. Moreover, they provide for us an escape from reality and stress because we all know in the end the guy gets the girl so to speak. It gives us that belief of good over evil. If we somehow manage through our hardships and overcome the obstacles of difficulty choosing what is right over easy. It will be visited upon is in the future in the form of success. Fairy tales give us courage and bravery, hope where no hope can be found. They allow little girls the ability to dream of one day finding their knight in shining armor and young men the dream of sweeping up the castle stairs to awake their sleeping beauties. Importantly, they give us the value of being a kind good hearted individual who is not afraid to stand up for what they believe in. Through dedication and determination we breed success, aside from perhaps physiological or pathological prognosis there is no reason why someone has to be a "genius" to become successful. They just have to want it more than the next person, be willing to make the sacrifices of learning. As flawed individuals it's not our place to be critical of other flawed individuals when we ourselves have much to learn, and honestly we'll never know it all. Well that is to say this generation will never know it all. Funny, something I vividly remember from one of my first ever post-secondary level lectures was; "you'll never be able to remember and know everything, but that's alright. It's not knowing everything that makes you smart, it's knowing where to look, what questions to ask and how to ask for help that makes the normal wise". This is what I believe, it's what I have come to believe to know that somehow with all the hate in this world, with all the unknown answers, with all the death. To be able to believe that my Snow White is still out there just waiting for her prince to come and sweep her away. Somehow, there is a happy ending for me, somehow my life is not as dark as the songs I write, the hatred that makes me turn my back on humanity. The hope allows me to get up in the morning with a smile, to return to my bed with a smile and to dream of a future.

Your Sincerely,
Prince in the making.
xx Pisces Iscariot

From the minute we first met
You crushed me
... and I crushed you
It was then I knew

One more tear
and you're not here
One more year
These words I can't stand to hear

I will, I will (I will...) try!
I will, I will (I will...) not cry.
I will, I will (I will...) fly
I will, I will (I will...) not lie
to myself anymore.

and I've gotta get away,
packed my bags,
not looking back today.
and I've gotta get away,
The people of this town,
keep leading me astray.

So...
I will, I will (I will...) try!
I will, I will (I will...) not cry.
I will, I will (I will...) fly
I will, I will (I will...) not lie
to myself anymore.
[whispering]:
I will, I will, I will ... fade out.

Some said love was not for you and I
But I knew it couldn't be true
Because when I looked into your eyes
Dear love, it showed me you.

I found myself dreaming
I found my self laughing
I found myself Bleeding
Even screaming

For a window to your soul
Digging and scrapping a hole
down inside my heart
making me a little more whole

What are you doing to me?
These simple facts tare at me
And still they can't tare me away from you
But that's not what hurts.
It's the fact that I might not ever
Be able to follow through

Like a ton of bricks distance hits me
awaking me from this dream
No matter how hard I tried to wash my hands
I could never get them clean

What are you doing to me?
These simple facts tare at me
And still they can't tare me away from you
But that's not what hurts.
It's the fact that I might not ever
Be able to follow through

I found myself dreaming
I found my self laughing
I found myself Bleeding
Even screaming
For you.

The Philosophy of Love

Written By Harry Heimdal (July 2005)
Rewritten/adapted into an essay by Jason Basaraba (July 2006)

The foundation for the thoughts behind the following are not my own, I am merely expanding on and reorganizing them into a more coherent documentation of thought. This being said: Thanks to Harry for allowing me his thoughts to write the following essay.

Before I begin I pose the following questions.
What is it to love someone?
Does anyone really know what love is?
Here are some things to consider when you’re in the presence of the person you believe you love:
Do your hands start sweating and does your heart start racing, while words avail you?
This is not love, this is simply being nervous.
Have you looked at another and not been able to take your eyes off of them?
That is not love that is lust!
You have felt proud to have them by your side, and they are always there for you when you seem to be in need!
This is not love, this is friendship and loyalty.
They stay by your side and you always feel comfortable around them, even hug, cuddle and approach them with ease.
No, that’s not love that is trust and understanding.
They tell you that you’re the only person in their mind.
This is not love it’s a boldfaced lie.
When one feels as if they could give everything they own for someone.
That isn’t necessarily love it is charity.
No! I think we often confuse love with other realms of emotions.

These feelings themselves are not love, they are, however, what we fall in love with.
So what is love? How do we find love? How do we know we’re in love?

Here’s my take:

When the sadness of one person and only one other person causes you to suffer the very same sadness while feeling the very same pain they are feeling. When that person is at their strongest point in life you still feel weak and vulnerable around them. When their eyes can penetrate your eyes so deeply that they see inside your soul and touch it so deeply it hurts you. When there is this blind connection that keeps you with them at all times, you feel their pain and their sadness even when you’re miles apart. When you can hear the sadness or pain in their voice and just tell something is wrong without seeing it. When other attractive people are around you but your mind is with the person you love to the point their very absence from you brings you into a state of melancholy. You would be willing to sacrifice your very heart, your very existence and put your life on the line for them.

So if this is love, why do we love so? Why is love the answer many look for in life and so desperately wish to find?

The answer although may sound simple is really quite intriguing.

When you love someone the sadness, the agony the torture is all worth the moments of happiness. The fact that you have someone to share your life with; someone to encourage your passions is a grace to have. You love someone so much that he or she raises your passion and heightens your emotions. It’s a pleasure to have them around; it’s your desire to be with them even when they are not near. When they are gone from you, simply thinking of them causes your face to light up with smiles of sweetness. When you cuddle, or hold their hand their warmth transmits such a huge amount of trust and understanding you can conquer the world. Having them by your side makes you dream of the future, all things become possible and nothing can stop you from achieving your life’s ambitions all because you have each others support.

Love can make you live a sensation so sublime that it becomes an addictive feeling and only
when you loose it, like any other type of addiction, the emptiness that leaves makes you feel torture. Torture to the point it causes an agony so deep the sadness engulfs your soul. You have to wind your way off of them one step at a time.

If you haven’t found love never give up this search, never stop asking yourself those question’s of love. Keep searching I assure you it is worth every lonely moment, if this is what you desire of course.

If you have ever lost a love then you know how it works; this is why we keep dreaming of the moment we will find it again, why we change ourselves in attempt to be a better person. When you finally find it don’t let it go. Don’t push it away. Hold on and fight for everything you can know you’ve been true to only your own heart, after all it is worth holding on to someone you love.

Don’t fall in love with love its self fall in love in love with somebody that loves you, with someone who waits for you, who understands you who helps you to fulfill your life’s dreams. Let them guide you as you guide them; let them be your support your hope and everything. Fall in love with somebody that doesn’t betray you; that is loyal, that dreams with you, that only thinks about you, about your face, about your spirit, and not your body or of your money.


Fall in love with somebody that will wait for you until the end, with somebody that is not what you choose, but what you least expect. Fall in love with somebody that suffers with you, laughs with you; that can dry your tears that can make you warm when necessary. Someone that gets happy with your happiness and that makes you strong after you’ve failed. Fall in love with somebody that comes back to you after the fights, that walks next to you through thick or thin. That respects your fantasies, your illusions, your dreams. Fall in love with somebody that is in love with you.

Sometimes because of fear, because of life we lose great people and it hurts. It hurts to love somebody and not to be loved back but it’s even more painful to love somebody and never get the courage to tell them what you feel for them.

There are things that you would love to hear, that you may never hear from the person that you would like to say it to you. But don’t be deaf not to hear it from the ones that say it from the heart. Never give up if you think that you can keep fighting. Love comes to the ones that wait for it even though it has deceived them before, to the ones that believe even though they have been betrayed, to the ones that need to love even though they have been hurt and the ones that have the courage and faith to build the trust again with someone else.

Don’t go for money because money can be lost in minutes. But love can last eternally; go for somebody that makes you smile because it only takes a smile to make a dark day shine. There are moments in which you love a person so much that you wish you could take them out of your very dreams and hug them to let them know all will be okay. The happiest people don't always have the best of everything; it only takes their love to create the best of life
You can’t be happy in life until you deal with your failures and heartaches of the past and learn to live with them, learn to forgive and forget, and move on. Learn to let go of the past, don’t dwell on the past it will only overwhelm and over take you. Don’t let those emotions get in the way of your future. Put them aside before you fall in love with someone, be honest with everything you do and never be afraid of who you are. Love will find you; love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and dies with a tear.

Most of all don’t ever be afraid to let go of the one you love, for that is love’s greatest power. Only when you can let go of someone you love can you truly be responsible enough to have loved and to love.

Edited by Jason Basaraba June, 2007.

Despite my most desperate attempts to see the brighter side of life, I get so tired of being all too aware of everything else that is going on around me. It reminds me of a Margaret Thatcher quote “I wish I was blind so I could see how ignorant I truly am”. Well… I wish I was numb so I wouldn’t have to feel the emotions of everyone I am close to. I almost feel like I am cursed, you may think I don’t know how “you” really feel, or that I “don’t understand.” You may think you’ve covered your expressions behind that phony smile of yours and your smile may even fool most people. However, that automatic response of “I am fine” does not fool me and it truly pains me to see such hurt and pain in people’s eyes. To think that being able to understand other peoples emotion so well should be an amazing gift, something many people would love to have the ability to do. Why do we as humans torture ourselves by putting ourselves in situations where we know people that we don’t even want to be around are going to be? Why do we get into relationships we don’t even want? Why does everyone keep running to me crying on my shoulder expecting me to fix everything? Although, they didn't heed my warnings and advice in the first place. I’m not a licensed psychiatrist, I’m just good at feeling out other peoples emotions. And why am I always right? Don’t ask me why... I don’t know why. Perhaps, I observe people without bias and maybe it’s the fact that I just listen rather than judge people and write them off. All this negativity that I am expected to help deal with as that unwavering loyal friend is continually making me depressed and bringing me down. I am never happy I hate it. I am tired of not being wanted for me but instead for my “advice” and "comforting words".

That there, that’s not me
I go where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the liffy

I’m not here
This isn’t happening
I’m not here, I’m not here.

In a little while
I’ll be gone
The moment’s already passed
Yeah, it’s gone.

I’m not here
This isn’t happening
I’m not here.

To be honest I sometimes think Thom York writes these songs just for me. Seriously I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a conversation with him. I get the feeling that he's insightful beyond years, something that I might actually find commonality in.


xx Pisces Iscariot (with emo) xxxx's

“Just a boy – Who’s never looking back at the past and always avoiding the future while living the wonders of this moment”

My Confession:

“The warmth of her skin pressed against mine as the scent of her hair pressed under my chin, her fragrance emanating from her perfect body while her head rested upon my shoulder. She was perfect and I was in heaven.”

The grace of a fallen heart has never felt this hard. Confused and scared I stand alone against the future. Time has moved on and so have I, however, unlikely it is I sometimes wish the clock would just stop, giving us just long enough to reflect on the moment without stumbling blindly into the future. If I could turn back time there are many things I could change but there are many things I can’t and as I look upon the flame of then compared to the smoke of now I only want to crawl along the ground and get as far away as I possibly can. Tricky and unsettling are the dangers of matters concerning this heart, scary are the times when left alone inside this mind. Indestructible yet fragile my heart can be, however, it’s merely just a part of the person that is me.
Life is amazing with far too many discoveries still to be found to dwell on the bad that is around. We’re far to blessed with the pleasures of life, the smells of youth, and the sight of beauty to be feeling down. So, stand up and look around just let the here and the now surround your senses, feel the hum of the wind blowing softly against your cheek, smell the fragrance of life fill your nostrils and see life in full blossom around you while letting it fill your soul with the beauty of being alive. Forget all your troubles and worried mind for a moment and remember you’re a 1 in 1 trillionth. Meaning out of 1 trillion eggs, you’re 1 born when you consider that you’re truly lucky to be alive. Seeing as how you’re reading this you’re part of the 1 in 1 trillionth club. Welcome, friend. Welcome to life, welcome to beating improbability and most importantly welcome a world of great accomplishment and endless possibilities. You have a chance to be truly great, so here’s to you. Now, step out into the world and let it take you by its grasp and if you listen to it’s wise words you’ll be unstoppable.

Every evening I go for a walk in the park near my house to allow my self the chance to cool off; these regular visits to the park are becoming a routine that I’m not growing urgently fond of. Sure as the sun rising the next day is this old man who walks the park path. I see him every evening. This man wears the same trousers, patched and raggedy old jacket with the very same pin stripped chapeau which looks as though it has been through a war of its own. He walks through the park at a pace unbecoming of a queen almost as if he were stopping for photographs and posing for his people. However, he’s not stopping to pose for photographs, or to shake the hands of a common peasant. He walks with a tired limp, dragging behind him an old ragged red leash that looks black. As he walks I hear his low wheezy but grizzly voice muttering the same words over and over; “Rascal, Where are you my boy, come here Rascal!” For the past three weeks it has been the same every night. Finally, the sight of him was weighing heavily on my soul and I couldn’t help myself any longer so just last night I called out to him “can I help you find something sir.” He looked at me for a moment and then he came over to the bench and sat down beside me. We must have spent a fair amount of that moonlight speaking to each other about life. Unbecoming to me I plead for his understanding about all the problems I’ve been having recently, my troubles sleeping, my love for someone I can’t have. The hope of a life in another country and the fighting I have endured with my current girlfriend if you can even call her that. In turn he told me about the Second World War, his wife and kids, grandkids and his dog who ran away when he was just 7 years old. Certainly, he gives the impression of memory loss and probably is quite traumatized mentally from his experiences in the war, all of which I will save for another journal entry. The whole morrow of my current story is to justify human incredulity to our elder population and our current society outcast’s people of such knowledge. My time speaking to the old man taught me a couple of valuable lessons in life. Consider for a moment a man who has gone through a life changing event and truly having seen pain and suffering could possible open your eyes to just how lucky we are today! No matter how many harsh words are uttered within the bedroom walls, there are far worse situations out there in life and our history. How the devotion of one man to an animal that is by now long gone and probably wasn’t even lost in this country is simply amazing. Some might call this senile or mental; I however think it’s admirable if not even inspiring, especially considering I can hardly prevent myself from getting roped into a shouting match with my girlfriend. This goes to postulate how these trivial things we make a big deal out of are not even comparable to the devotion we as humans should all give to everyone and everything that surrounds us. Pay attention and care to our land, our waters, our plants, animals and even our fellow race, because you never really know what you have got to lose, until it’s gone. This goes to show sometimes we need these little reminders to just re-affirm the luck we have to be where we are today! My hats off to the old man in the park!

Flying high above the sky
I was careless as I could be
I was unconcerned with anything
And In all honesty I was truly free
The life I knew was so cool
A rock star and a fool

And then I met you

You threw me for a new.
So I took one last look
At the life I once knew
And then I came running for you

Without a second glance
I crossed seas
I tore apart from me
Without so much of a glimpse
of the boy I used to be

Things were great at first
Everything was amazing
Nothing could go wrong
How comfortable could we become?

So, I crossed the sea permanently
Tearing apart everything from me
Without so much of a glimpse
At the boy I used to be

Until the fighting began
And I shriveled up
Because I wasn’t yet a man
I wasn’t able to cope
With the life long changes
With these many mood ranges

Although I still ran to you
In timely fashion with
Nothing but love and passion
Driving us forward
Like two fools hopelessly destined
For slipping and falling
It’s like a lifelong cruel obligation
To the humility of my own calling

Until I took one last look
At the life I once knew
And then I knew
I had to come running for you
had changed me for the better
With nothing left now but life
from a new point of view

I take no pleasure in seeing you cry
I mean you no harm
Saying what’s on my mind.
I have no trouble speaking of virtue
When my heart was always true
Why do we lie sometimes?
Keep the pain all inside
When there’s nothing you can hide
Not from me at least;
When it’s you I see right through
This endless string of words
Makes me tired
I’m not about to listen to the game
When my heart is enclosed in this frame
You can dodge my inquiries all day.
You can beat around the bush
However, I’m no longer listening
Because I can’t stand your listing
I only need one reason to forgive you
But you give me no such chance.
So, stop playing like there’s still something
There.
We both know, you’re just too insecure.
I’m not your Constance
If you’re not mine
So unless you want to be loved
I suggest you find someone else to feed off of.